Hypocrite?

"Why do we need to forgive? We need to forgive others so Satan cannot take advantage of us (see 2 Corinthians2:10, 11) We are commanded to get rid of all bitterness in our lives and forgive others as we have been forgiven (see Ephesians 4:31,32)". (excerpts from The steps to Freedom in Christ)

As a cell leader, I have gone through these chapters with many of my cell members before they go for their baptism. And most of the times, I will go through the book myself just to make sure that I understand all the things that I am going to teach. And most of the time, it seemed to be no problem at all.

However, it is not true this time. Yesterday, I've made an appointment with one of my Cg member to go through the Steps before he goes for water baptism. It was all set and I’m all ready to teach, to impart whatever knowledge I have to him.

Here comes the thing, just a few hours before that class, God decided to teach me a lesson on forgiveness before I teach others. A matter came up and it broke my heart into pieces. I know I have to learn to forgive but I can’t. I was hurting so much. I can’t seem to take off my mind of that matter. And in the midst of all these, God asked me, “So, are you ready to forgive?”.

Candidly, I couldn't. That is why it was so hard for me when the forgiveness topic finally arrived for discussion. All I say seems to be just words. Mere words. I felt like a hypocrite.

You see. God works in marvelous ways. As I was lying on my bed yesterday, I realized that all these happened for a reason. God wants to teach me something. I always thought that I have no problem at all in forgiving people. It’s not so true anymore. God knows my heart. He is teaching me so that I will mature in Him. He is disciplining me and He is molding me to be someone He wants me to be.

Suddenly, I realized I have so much more to learn.